Days of my life Vol 1

I've been struggling to write lately and i havent blogged since March(Yea its been that long),but the events of today warrants an extensive illustration and a mere facebook status wont do it justice at all(Its that ridiculous).......I should have known that today was gonna be "SPECIAL" with the kinda aura it was already oozing even before i got out of bed.........That should have been my cue to STAY IN BED.........So my alarm clock woke me up at about 8:20 am(I know i know....Some of ya'll was already at work at that time.....Shoot me)......Anyways....I hit the snooze button and rolled on over.....And caught some shut eye for another 30 mins(And during that 30 mins......I had the wierdest dream ever......Which should have kept my ass in bed......But not me son)......So i did the usual and got ready for the gym(Where did you think i was getting ready to go???Work???Thats another story for another day)......So i did an hr of high impact low intenty cardio workout(And boy i was feeling so good.....And i even sweated more than usual......Anybody that knows me,knows i am like a sweat production machine......So for it to be more than usual,you know i was swimming in it)......So after that i did Zumba (a latin based dance fitness class) for another hr.....You should have seen your girl doing the merengue,samba and salsa and some hip hop too......Dancing with the stars aint gat nothing on me......All kinds of hip action and booty shaking......Too bad my gym is a womens only).......If you have never taken a Zumba class before.....You should try it atleast one time,although i doubt that you'll stop after just one class(fun fun fun.....You'll thank me for it).....But thats by the way!!!!And i was still feeling so good that i decided to do gliding.....Against my better judgement(Now my inner thighs are hella sore......I would tell you where else is sore but you dont need to know all that......Thank goodness it was only 30 mins).......So anyways after all that......Anybody with half a brain would have left and called it a day,considering i planned on going gift shopping today for my moms(Her birthday is on Saturday......I actually thought it was on Friday......So i thought i had only today and tomorrow......Hence the sense of urgency) and also for my Brother's father's day gift.......But no not i......I think i've established at this point that half my brain goes on vacation sometimes)......So anyways, i decided to do an hr of weight training class.......Yes yes yes.......Apparently there's just something about lifting weight, and doing squats and lunges i cant get enough of(So now my quads,abs,inner thigh,outter thigh,biceps,triceps,butt and just about everything imaginable hurts except my eyes ofcourse although i wont hold out hope on that.....Even my palms hurt.....How you know your palms hurt you ask......Coz i feel pain just staring at it is how)......So anyways.....After the weight training class.......You would think i would go take a shower and go attend to the afore mentioned gift shopping i had to do.....But no not me......Apparently i havent had enough sweat for the day......So i decided to go to the SAUNA(which is my latest addiction)......Which is where this story actually picks up......Am sure you were already getting tired of reading all bout my workout regime......I would too if i was you.......


So i take a quick shower(though you really didnt need to know that bit)......And i go into the sauna......And am happy coz again,like every other time i had been in there this week,there was nobody else in there......It was just me......The QUEEN OF THE SAUNA........I was happy.....Dancing(I know you are suppose to sit in the sauna......But in my defense they was playing some really great songs on the radio.....Commercial free too.....Stop).....I had been in there maybe 15-20 minutes......And here comes this lady......IN MY SAUNA.....I know......The audacity to wanna use the sauna in the gym that she's paying monthly membership for.....I know!!!!I was peeved son......Coz believe it or not.....I relax better in there and am able to think.....Some of my genius ideas have come while sitting in there by MYSELF(What are some of this genius ideas you ask????You gonna have to read it in my book.....I know.....Way to shamelessly plug a book i havent even written yet.....Coz i am SUCKING right now......Maybe next time i'll go to the sauna with a composition book and pen in hand.....Although i dont know how thats gonna quite go with all that sweating going on)......Anyways.....So this lady comes there and sits and then she goes "ITS NOT REALLY HOT IN HERE"......And am sitting there like "Well am sweating so it must be"......So i politely go "Oh really???Maybe its coz i just turned it on about 20 mins ago"(Coz some dumb ass had turned off the sauna heater....Which YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSE TO......Thanks ass hole.....I didnt add that last bit ofcourse).......So we are both sitting there in silence and i have my eyes closed tryna devise plans to get her outta there,so i could have my sauna to MYSELF......And suddenly i felt the need to....Wait for it wait for it(WARNING: WHAT AM BOUT TO SAY MIGHT GROSS YOU OUT or NOT AND IS VERY UNLADY LIKE)......I felt the need to fart.......And so i thought "oh good".....Coz i had done just that a couple days earlier when it was just me in there......And i had almost choked on my own fart(Who knew farting in a confined heated place would be so toxic)......Now imagine if i had actually choked on my own fart???What kinda shitty ass way to die would that have been????They gonna say "Oh what happened to the poor child,was she sick????did she have a condition???"And they gon say "NO......It was so sudden, she choked on her own fart in the sauna".......That would be so fucked up.......But anyways......And so i thought this is pure genius.....She's gonna be so grossed out and she's gonna leave and i could have the sauna to myself again.....Right???Wrong......You know what they say bout the best laid plans......Anyways....So i let go of one of those silent farts right......And as it permeatted the air.....I was thinking oh this is good.....Coz it smelled more than usual if i must say so myself(What??? you dont fart????You aint never farted before in a public place before????Ok then.....Dont you dare judge me).......And it took a couple seconds,but it eventually got to her(You cant hold a good fart like that down for so long).......And i was expecting her a walk out....And to both my amusement and amazement........This white lady turns to me with all seriousness......And goes "Something smells awful in the air"(Now am sorry......But i think thats really really really rude......Coz if its just two of us in here......By rule of thumb......Common sense......Probability......If you didnt do it.....Then its ME.....What was the point of pointing it out???See she was tryna play me).......And at this point iDIED.....Coz i thought it was hella funny that she would say that out loud like that....But i couldnt laugh out......So with all the seriousness i could muster, i go "I apologize ma'am,but i guess i must have had a thing or two to do with it......I think i farted"(Who the hell says that????Apparently i do.....Those were the only things that came to my head.......How you gon "think" you farted???We all know farting dont require no thought process).........


So apparently,my farting didnt work......Coz she didnt leave......So i just ended up being an ass hole for no reason,ususally i have a reason.......So now am pissed.....1) At myself for embarrassing myself like that(Even though if you really think bout it,its not really an embarrassment.....Its a very natural human occurence......If you gat to fart you gat to fart). 2)The farting wasnt effective(I made an ass of myself for no reason.....Maybe next time). 3) She's still sitting there........So now i'll say bout 30-35 mins had gone by in total......And we are bout sitting there sweating as hell.......And she just wont leave.....And now in my mind its a competition(I would make a competition out of anything) on who's gonna leave first.....And at this point am sweating bullets...Creating a nice lil sweat puddle......And am loosing electrolytes by the second......But i wasnt gonna leave....Coz thats my spot(She cant ruin my sauna experience for me by being there).....So now this lady,as if to punish me for farting......Does the most digusting stuff in books that tops even my fart......So she picks up both her boobs in one hand(enough said.....But it gets better).......And starts to scratch....She's slushing sweat and fat back and forth.......Left and right......And i am utterly disgusted.......Do you know the sound sweat against fat makes when you scratch????It goes sloush screeeech slaush......Its just disgusting period!!!!But i refused to leave.....And she continues to do that....Just torturing me.......So i close my eyes and try to tune her out.......And do you know what happened to my dumbass????It is so unbelievably incredible.....I cant even believe i did that.......I FELL FUCKING ASLEEP......I kid you not.......WHO THE HELL FALLS ASLEEP IN A FUCKING SAUNA????THAT IS NOT A CONDUCIVE ENVIRONMENT BY NO MEANS........Although in my defense i have been having difficulty sleeping lately....And my sleeping cycle is all fucked up.......Do you know what woke me up????No not the lady......Coz she's a mean old bat(She fucking left me in there to sleep?????Like seriously????How mean can you be???Like who does that????Although in her defense, i didnt ask her to wake me up......And she probably thought i was still closing my eyes......Granted it was not her responsibility.....She could have checked).........So anyways......I woke up,coz i couldnt breath......Damn near bout to die of a fucking heat stroke.......And i have asthma(Compounding my problems)......So i am like short of breath and just out of it......Can you imagine dying like that????Of a freaking heat stroke in a sauna????That is no way to go....Granted its a step up from choking on one's own fart.......But it is still no way to go.......Yep i damn near almost killed myself today......For no gaddamn reason other than just being plain STUPID......I tried to go gift shopping after the incident like i planned on doing anyways.......I was only able to hit one store before i called it a day......Coz i was just so drained and tired......Plus i hadnt eaten all day.......But anyways imma go try gift shopping again tomorrow.....I only have a couple days.......I dont know if i wanna go in that sauna tomorrow considering it almost murdered me.......But we'll see......I never learn........I wonder what my reaction would be though if i had company in there again........Maybe try not to kill myself..........There goes my day.......I am tired but good!!!!