See through WORLD

The world we live in is a see through one, we just sometimes go through it with blindfolds on, and then we agonize in despair and futility.Many go through life forgetting to take the training wheels off, failing to realize you cant play in the big leagues with minor league bats in hand. The idea of the world being see through just came to me, and i have no idea where this thought process is taking me, or if what i have to share would even be related to that,but i am comfortable with not knowing, the possibilities of what could be,keeps me going and so when am done, it might make sense and it might be an incoherent nonsense.But sometimes if you look closely and take the blinders off, there is life, truth,vision, inspiration,pain, failure, success and articulation in incoherence,you just have to be able to see through it.
My experiences has lead me on the road of discovery, and i have realized that yesterday is what i know, today is what i am sure of, and tomorrow is what i dont know, and i can take comfort in that.By no means has my experiences been the hardest compared to most, but i found myself in that, and now i can write about it. They say graduation is the beginning of the rest of your life, but it didnt quite happen for me that way and my journey and experiences were tumultous and uneasy on most days. In my situation it seemed like the beginning of a horror movie i didnt audition for, but somehow found myself smack dead in the middle of it featuring as the lead actress, supporting actress and extra all in one.Nothing prepared me for this new role i was thrust into,and it seemed like whatever i touched immediately turned into failure,so i stopped touching.

That was the beginning of the end,one of the most important tools we are equipped with in this life are our senses, and soon as we loose one of it, then everything else doesnt quite function as efficiently. I gave in to despair, i allowed self-doubt become the shower i bathe myself in daily,negativity was my sole source of energy and i drank it up like it was my reason for existence,frustration was my better-half,bitterness became second nature, the simple pleasures of life were the things that made me loathe life even more and i became of less than the shadow of who i used to be and i couldnt for the life of figure out how i let things spiral out of control so bad.I couldnt go to sleep, yet i couldnt stand to be up, so you can imagine the torture and battle that was going on internally.I was in control of my life and yet somehow it was out of my control,I had somehow screwed up my view of the world to the extent that i couldnt see anything good in it.
I had never experienced a thing like this ever,so i wasnt equipped or prepared to deal with it by no means,it kind of all just hit me at once and i couldnt compartmentalize and i just basically couldnt deal. I wouldnt say i was depressed, but i wasnt a happy person and i secluded myself from people, some with good justification and some,just for absolutely no reason at all, other than i was in such a dark place and i didnt wanna drag anybody else with me. In the span of 10 months, i had gone through despair,failure,death,betrayal, hearthbreak, and anything else negative you could think of i had gone through and it just seemed like i was never gonna get a break.I was questioning and hating absolutely everything i could and everything there was,life had lost all its meaning and i remember sometimes sitting there at 4 am, just trying to figure out how it all got so bad.

I was torturing myself over things i had no control over, and i was slowly loosing my zest for life. I didnt want to be that person, but i didnt want to change anything about my situation either, not because i didnt know what to do with regards to going back to who i was and who i wanted to be, but i was too scared, because i had gone through all this failure and i was afraid i was gonna fail at that again- and if i failed at living life, then what did i really have then?Not much.My spirit was broken for so long, and i was carrying around so much hurt, that it felt like- i dont even have a metaphor for it, it just hurt.
At the end of the day, it came down to two things for me, i was either gonna keep on this road that i had been on for so long and in the process lost myself and my way, and i couldnt even figure out how i got there, and retracing my step back in order to figure where i was going seemed like an impossibility and i wasnt willing to try, or i was gonna pick myself up, and go back to my roots and put my trust and faith in the ALMIGHTY that had brought me thus far, up until where i lost my way, and was still seeing me through it all, but i had my blinders so i couldnt see through it.Its safe to conclude that i chose the latter because i am here now,and i can share my story.I am a true testimony to the fact that, God never gives us more than we can handle, we might think we cant handle it, because somewhere we forget that it has never been by our power or might that we've been able to do things we've done and been victorious, but it has been through HIM- but all that can be attributed to the foolishness of man. I am a better person for the things i went through and came through with him leading my way and directing my path. For all this i am thankful because it has made me a better daughter, a better sister, better aunty, better cousin, better friend, and maybe somebody's better half someday, if he deems .I owe him my yesterday, today and my tomorrow.